Gazzetta Football Scozia

Gazzetta Football Scozia can exclusively reveal that Martin O'Neill is poised to make a bold swoop in the January transfer window for disgraced Everton knockout king Duncan 'I used to be called Drunken' Ferguson, part-time footballer for Merseyside's new blue giants.

Following Ferguson's sending-off after eight minutes of a substitute appearance in Tuesday's game at Charlton, Davie Moyes has lost patience with the temperamental pigeon-fancier and will not be renewing his contract.

Meanwhile, O'Neill is engaged in contract talks with overweight Swansea hooligan John "Are you looking at me?" Hartson. While publicly, both sides are making positive noises, a Gazzetta insider reveals talks are likely to break down over Hartson's refusal to agree to a clause in the contract stating that an independent doctor must certify that Hartson is not a "fat bastard". While Hartson's agent is confident his client can lose the three stone required to make him overweight but not obese, it is widely acknowledged that Hartson is, indisputably, a bastard.

O'Neill is therefore likely to need another violent thug to partner Sutton up front, and given Ferguson's history of criminal assault, sendings-off, and general neddery, he sees him as a perfect foil for Sutton's cheating and whining style of play. As the Parkhead directors have re-discovered the traditional Celtic FC biscuit-tin mentality, no money is likely to change hands except in a brown paper bag at a car-park just off the A74 near Carlisle.

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I'm normally a cynical old bastard but here's a happy tale for the holidays... and to the hacks who decry the Tartan Army, a very bad New Year's Day hangover to you.

Read - BBC Scotland - Kids' football plea exceeds goal

I visited Sarajevo when Scotland played there; it was a fantastic trip and a fascinating place. The people were incredibly friendly, which was surprising given what they had been through. But when you meet people who don't play football any more because of injuries they received in the war, it puts a different perspective on things.

Having said that, the six-year-old boy who shouted "Suck my dick Scotland!" outside our hotel while making a rude gesture at us proves that other things are universal too.

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I've commented on Graham Spiers in the past on these pages - he does seem to put himself out there - but credit to the man for sitting down with a section of his readers who have been less than happy with his opinions lately.

On Monday evening, Spiers met with twelve members of the "Rangers Assembly", a new group created by Rangers FC to represent the views of their support. The Assembly consists of a range of fans' groups, from the year-old Supporters Trust to the slightly older North American Rangers Supporters Association, to the venerable Rangers Supporters Association.

It's probably the first time I can recall of a hack having the courage to sit down and debate with real supporters, not in the ridiculous forum of a radio phone-in or a Scotsport studio.

I believe the genesis of this meeting was a complaint by Rangers fans about Spiers' praise of the Aberdeen support at a recent Ibrox fixture - when they spent considerable time singing about Neil Simpson maiming Ian Durrant, interrupted with ditties about the Ibrox disaster. [Classy, this self-styled "Red Army".] Rangers FC actually brokered the meeting, and it seemed to be positive.

Read - Herald Diary (second page)

Read - Rangers Supporters Trust

The two accounts of it I have read do not particularly differ in substance; and I have to say I agree with Spiers on at least part of his argument - as long as Rangers fans continue to defend the use of the word 'fenian' we will continue to be labelled as pariahs and bigots. I don't care what the historically correct meaning of the word is, we all know what it means now - it's an abusive anti-Catholic term.

Where I disagree with the Reverend Spiers is that the Rangers Supporters Trust still has every right to complain about behaviour of the Celtic support; no-one else seems to do it.

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Not so sure I agree with the gist of the article - there will always be tyrannical, driven individuals running football clubs - but it was interesting in light of the 'mailsport' Jock Stein special that was passed to me a few weeks back.

Read - Guardian Unlimited Football

From the back page of the mailsport, two men cut from similar cloth:





I doubt either of them would have appeared on a celebrity episode of "Who wants to be a millionaire?" which surely puts them ahead of Alex Ferguson, knighthood or no knighthood...

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I hesitate to include this as a gift suggestion... it's almost too scary for words.

Read - BBC Sport - Now that's what I call Old Firm: Vol I

The selection isn't in fact completely shite, which makes me wonder if the players picked their own music, or were given a list to pick from. [In which case Ross Wallace got the shortest straw - "I'll make love to you" by Boyz II Men? Does he have no shame?]

The really interesting thing here, though, is the way that Rangers and Celtic both release this at the same time; in fact they coordinate their marketing efforts a lot (cf. side-by-side stores at Glasgow Airport).

In Houston recently I met an emigrant Englishman - he'd lived in the US since he was a boy, but had visited the UK a lot - and he was asking why the Old Firm was called the Old Firm. I explained the whole story/allegation about the Cup Final in 1909 being replayed after a draw and then the fans rioting when the replay was a draw... which everyone thought was a fix to induce another (money-making) replay, hence the 'Old Firm'.

It would seem there is more than a hint of relevance in the title still today.

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Call me an old sexist but this site is why pre-teen girls should not be allowed near a football stadium:

peter lovenkrands is a babe


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Not content with knocking Hearts out of Europe, although in the end the result didn't matter, Ferencvaros coach Csaba Laszlo (*) got the final word in his evening-long physical and verbal UEFA smackdown with Jambo John Robertson:

This team do not have international experience and they play very aggressively. This is a good team - maybe with a better coach, who knows?

Quality. Robertson could only offer up ned-like threats of violence: "If I kicked him he wouldn’t be standing." We're just not in the same league as these Europeans, are we.

Read - Scotsman Sport - Robertson bust-up as Hearts exit UEFA Cup

(*) everyone in Hungary either has a first name or surname of Laszlo. No, really, they do. I've been there!

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Just why is last year's promising youngster du jour at Ibrox, Chris Burke, not appearing in the Rangers team these days?

Is it because he is still recovering from the mystery virus that caused him to faint during Rangers' season-opener at Pittodrie?

Or is it because he's too busy getting pished every night, to the point where Rangers have to appoint a minder to keep him out of trouble?

Answers on a postcard please, marked "21st Century Hughie Gallagher Competition".

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You might just have enough time to get this delivered in the UK before the big day...

View - eBay item 5148244236 - Wembley 1967 T-Shirt

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A (probably too) late addition to the Gazzetta Gift Guide for Scottish football supporters: get your spekkles, your saltire beach towel, and your "world famous" see-you-Jimmy hat.

Shop at - Everything Tartan [cheers Steve]

We've come a long way from the wee old guy with his "hats, scarves, badges, eh ra colours" outside the Ibrox tube station.

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Just hours after Jeanette Krankie tumbled out of a beanstalk, Rangers tumbled out of Europe in equally pantomime fashion.

Perhaps this is karma for me predicting a Scottish resurgence in Europe. A week after my spurt of optimism Celtic were gone; and now Rangers are too.

For the benefit of Hearts, who still have a shot at qualifying, I'd just like to renounce my previous statements and put on the record that all Scottish teams are still crap.

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The venerable Archie Macpherson was commentating on the Rangers-Dundee game on Saturday; a rare treat as he was on fine form. At one point Dado Prso's sock was gashed by a wild tackle; antiquated Archie referred to the damage done to his 'stocking' (I suppose it is almost Christmas). Later on, the Rangers defence got itself into a 'fankle', a word I hadn't heard in years, and don't expect to hear again in years.

I read Archie's autobiography a while back - probably a good ten years ago, when his career seemed to be winding down. [His favourite event appeared to be interviewing Frank Sinatra in LA during the '84 Olympics!] He disappeared off our screens for a bit in the nineties, popping up on Eurosport here and there; I was glad when he came back to live commentary a year or two later with his unique style. [In our supporters' club Jorg Albertz is only ever referred to as "the German!" because that was the only way Archie ever referred to him - "The German put a good cross in to the box," "Fantastic effort from the German".]

If only Arthur Montford would come out of retirement... maybe if his beloved Morton reach the Premier League again?

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Seeing as it's that time of year - when you're struggling to think of presents for your better half to give to you - let me offer a few suggestions. [Feel free to email this post on to said better half!]

Note that Billy has no financial interest in any of these products or services. Honestly.

First off, the goal that launched a thousand dreams, that were only to be shot down minutes later - a signed picture of Archie Gemmill's goal against Holland in '78:
Scotland's Greatest Goal

To get the 'Goal of the Century' you'll have to travel to Buenos Aires, so perhaps not the most practical gift suggestion:
Maradona T-Shirt

If you want to order online, here's the other goal from the same game:
Maradona T-Shirt #2
[interesting side effect of ordering this t-shirt: ball skills improve]

Next up, perhaps a photo from the Herald archive?
Herald Group Photo Archive
[To fan those claims of West Coast bias - there are whole sections devoted to Rangers and Celtic.]

All of the above are filthy profit-making evil people, unlike those benevolent folks at the Scottish FA who claim:

"By buying direct from the Scottish FA, we will ensure that all profit from the sale of the merchandise will be channelled into developing Scottish football."

or in other words

"will help pay off our failed German coach"

But anyway, if you do want that third strip (record: played 1, won 0, drew 0, lost 1, goals for 0, goals against 3) then here's where to buy it:
The Scotland Collection

[cheers to Kenny and Marty]

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See - Diego Maradona [cheers Martin]

You have to wonder what the Scottish equivalent would be - Jimmy Johnstone Buckfast?

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Embarrassing article in the NY Times this weekend about a "chant laureate" - I think just for the English Premiership, but the article doesn't make it clear. I'd be surprised if his remit includes Scotland.

Read - The New York Times

Absolute pile of sh*te and I'd be ashamed to be his mate. Real football songs are made on the terraces in the stands.
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Clearly we've appointed the wrong manager - if the Duke of Argyll can turn up in Nepal with some punters a day before the Elephant Polo World Cup and then win it, we should be putting him in charge at Hampden. And he doesn't need any friendlies, either - Berti had it all wrong.

Read - Scotsman.com - Scottish Team Clinch Victory in Elephant Polo


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